Hi, I'm Jeffy - man of God, child of man, man of woman, woman of children, children of the damned, woman of girth. I'm a fish fancier, a fish monger, monger of fish, fish of the sea, seer of all things, thing of beauty, beauty of the world. And a twat. Sniff my citrus fingers!

There are buttons under my fingers - when I press them letters appear on the big rectangle in front of my eyes. Is it magic? Or is it the acid?

I am bored and wish my husband would be quiet.

It as a great honour and privilege to be invited to address these comments to you via this text input box. I have always endeavoured to embrace modern technology; indeed just recently, I embraced Siri. And then gave him a thorough bumfumble.

I am a proud member of my own fan club.

Once upon a long ago I fell in love with a man called Steve. Such a disappointment.

I collect beer mats. Have you met my aunt? Why are the trees staring? Onion rings.

Every time I think of you a small part of my Brian dies. Poor Brian, he'll never see the moon. Elephants are grey, dammit. Writing random things causes beards.